Jackie boy, came early because he loves his mama.

Saturday morning I woke at three in the morning. My back was killing me and my stomach was tightening up every five minutes. Is this labor? No. Tried to go back to sleep. Two hours of this I finally gave up and figured I might as well go into the hospital to see if I was in labor. I couldn't sleep anyways. Chad helped me pack my bag and told me to call him to let him know. So, I drove myself to labor and delivery at Banner Gateway hospital. I didn't want to wake up anyone if I wasn't really in labor. Checked myself in and sure enough, I was in labor.

They tried some fluids for two hours to see if they could stop labor, send me home and have me come back Monday for my scheduled c-section. Nope. No stopping of the labor. They decided to go ahead and do the section right away. Once they decided that, it was a fire drill. Called Chad and had him get over to the hospital ASAP. He was getting the kids situated with our friends the Yorks.

Every person who came into my room, nurses, anesthesia, my OB, hospital paperwork person, would alarmingly ask me "where is your husband?!" Soon enough Chad got there, waited eight minutes, then stated, "what was the big hurry for me to get here, it looks like this is going to take a couple more hours to get going."

I'm thinking, "what's the hurry for you to get here?!". . .your wife is in labor you ninny!

. . .I tried to remember what I loved about him and how if I murdered my children's father, that would make it harder on me in the long run. So live, he must.

Eighty four seconds after Chad's incredibly stupid statement the nurses and anesthesia came in and escorted us to the operating room.


Dr. Beck who isn't my OB by rather my OB's partner delivered Jack. For some reason this was the most uncomfortable c-section. Tugging, pulling, pushing, makes me feel sick to even think back on it. Part of the problem was probably that the way the operating lights were tilted I could see the entire surgery.

. . .never do that. It will make you feel ill to watch yourself being operated on.

I know I could just exercise some self control but it was like a bad car accident, I just couldn't look away.


Jackson was born at 10:54 and came out with a bang! Literally. He came out peeing according to the surgery teams exclamations.


He was a champ from the get go. His Apgar scores were eight and then nine. Such a little man.


Here I am after. I look rather orange. Not sure what that is from.


Chad holding Jack for the first time. You can't really see it but underneath Chad's scrubs is a yellow shirt that Chad has worn for every delivery of our children. I've never thought much of it until I saw him show up to the hospital in it. I remembered that he'd worn it for all of the other deliveries. His lucky charm I guess.










Here I am getting to hold Jack for the first time, six hours after he was born. Chad and I walked together to the NICU. I pushed my IV pole with one hand and held Chad's hand with the other. As we walked together to be with our son I thought this is the last time we will do this. It felt right though. Jack is our last child but our time with him will bring many many firsts I'm sure.

The fourth and final blankie.

Last week Chad came home with a most lovely crochet blanket for Jackson. It was done by a co-worker of Chad's, Brenda. Chad and I were both so moved by the time and effort it must have taken. People are just so, good.

Now the family of blankies is complete, all of our children have blankies knitted, crocheted or sewn by friends of the family.

Owen's-Karma Wright
Luke's-Kelly Meisse
Lily's-Samantha Ferris
Jackson's-Brenda Grote

I've kept all of their blankets in their memory boxes. All of the blankets were a daily part of the children's lives for many years. They slept with them, carried them all over the house, threw up on them (Luke), and loved them most of all. Until each of their days came where I knew it was time to sneak their blankies away. Occasionally they'd discover them and the blankets would re-immerse themselves in our daily lives. Only to re-disappear months later.


Now it is Jackson's time to love on his blankie and we're so grateful to Brenda and all of the others that have given the gift of comfort to our children.

This boy knows his way around a boobie.

Hopefully none of Chad's friends still read this blog. Or anyone else. But I use this as my journal and I must remember this. Jack! You're such a man! You are an amazing little nurser. The nurses in NICU wanted you to do a training session for the other babies, they seriously did tell me that. You just came out and knew just what to do, which is so amazing for a little guy with all that you have going on.


The hours that I've spent with you have been so sweet. Your little hands holding on and watching your beautiful eyes grow wider and wider as you get down to business. And the noises! I could seriously die. So friggin sweet. I'm going to make a soundtrack and play it on my IPOD or at least a ringtone. Seriously. so. cute.


Ohhhh yeah.


Gentian Violet saves the day, but saying it's a wee bit messy, is an understatement. Something funny that I do not want to forget. Owen calls the act of nursing, nourishing. I've corrected him twice but have given up for two reasons; 1-Technically he is correct in what the act of nursing is doing, it is nourishing Jack, and 2-I laugh on the inside every time he says it. And ya'all know how much I love a good laugh!

Uh huh, uh huh, I'm good

Luke was the first of the kids to meet Jack. I took him in while Chad managed the other two (really just Lily) in my hospital room. Luke and I walked hand in hand down the hospital corridor to the NICU. I was thinking how much Luke has grown and how cute he is while we were walking. He was chatting me up about what he had been doing with dad and about a new toy called Gogo's.

We entered the nursery, I had him wash his hands in preparation to hold his new little brother. After getting all cleaned up Luke walked up to Jack's crib, nodded his head twice and said,

"I'm good, you ready to go mom?"

Picture Chevy Chase in the movie Vegas Vacation, when they got to the Grand Canyon. Exactly. Nod nod, uh huh, uh huh.


Jackson home on Thursday, getting some sun. Don't worry, I left Duke to keep an eye on him.




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I think Luke with his two front teeth out is just about the cutest thing I've seen in awhile. He was so brave at the dentist too, went back all by himself and took it like a man! Luke has done so much growing up lately, been handling his Indian temper that I gave to him better too. He has also become such a great helper around the house too, never complaining when I ask him to do something. He's done a lot of growing up these past couple of months and I'm just so proud of my boy, Lukey.

We hope he survives. Seriously.

The date of this photograph is Sunday the 25th of September, that will play an important role later in this post. Sunday morning Chad brought the kids to meet their brother. I knew a few moments before they got to my room that they were arriving. Lily is the ultimate announcer. Chad took Lily into the NICU to meet Jack for the first time. She was very excited but had no clue that this was her brother.


In her mind it's probably just another stop on the roller coaster of fun. Over the next five(another important detail to remember) days of me being in the hospital is when I think it began to set in.


Here we are on our first afternoon home with Jack, Wednesday. Notice anything similar? No? Ah, yes the dress is the same. Yes, Lily wore the same dress for five days straight while I was in the hospital. Chad would like me to include that she also wore a swimsuit a couple of afternoons.






I remember thinking when I brought home my other babies, how huge my older kids looked to me now. It was like those couple of days of me being in the hospital they had up and grown up on me. It was the same with Lily. She seemed so much older, I could understand everything she was saying, even the hilarious line, "MOM!!! Jacqkswen is kissing your boobie!"


Lily was soooo excited to meet Jackson. She kept repeating his name over and over again. I want to always remember what that sounded like, Jacqkswen. She wanted to hold him so much. She's a wee bit crazy though so I convinced her that laying next to Jack was the funnest thing she could do with her brother.

. . .praying for Jack's safety.

Anew.

Introducing. . .Jackson Chad Mead. Born 10:54 a.m. on Saturday the 24th of September 2011.

Where do I begin. Jackson has been with us for twelve days. Our lives are forever changed. I've been wanting to share cute little things that have happened but haven't. Because first I need to tell you how amazing Jack is but whatever words I come up with feel inadequate. From the moment he joined us he has given us tender mercies that show us Gods love for us. Against all the odds, this child has come to us; thriving. Seeing Jack quieted all my fears, knowing him as my son, that whatever was or wasn't didn't matter. Jack has come exactly as he should be, our gift that we get to enjoy, encourage and take pride in.


It has been interesting examining my feelings through the stereotypes of what "normal" is. Looking at my son who isn't, and it not mattering. Any sadness or disappointment that creeps in isn't from my feelings for him but rather through my fears for him. How will people treat him, how will his health fare, will he ever know how much I adore him?

All of us come into this world with deficiencies, some more obvious than others. Most of ours are on the inside, weakness that we need to work on, improve so that we can become more complete individuals, better than we began. I'm reminded of the scripture in Ether; "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."



Jack's differences are obvious, his sweet almond eyes, his right toes that are webbed almost to the top(!), his two little lips that turn downward, and soon he will bear a scar on his chest from his heart surgery. These differences aren't the sum total of who Jack will be. We don't get to know that part yet, but what we do know we absolutely love.

I feel like Jack was given a pep talk before coming. In every situation he has made it the absolute easiest it could possibly be. Finally having him here after months of trying to push away fears, none of which have been realized. So much healing, bonding and loving. Hours of laying next to Jack, nursing him have healed whatever wounds my heart suffered. Replaced now with a deepening love for my child. An appreciation of who he is and gratitude to be his mama.


This time with Jack has been nothing short of joy. In the quiet of the night, I sit and nurse and rock Jack. Alone with my thoughts as I look on at my son. Feeling those oh so familiar pangs of sleep deprivation I will close my eyes. But then, moments later I almost cannot stand it and I open them again, wanting nothing more but to look and stare, searching for those fleeting moments where I lock eyes with my boy.

. . .hello son, I'm so happy to see you.

Blah. Three more days to go.

Monday at 12:31 I will not be pregnant. Okay, I probably still will be but almost done. My scheduled c-section is at 12:30. I AM READY. EXCLAMATION POINT.



I am ready to not be so huge, so uncomfortable, so complainy. Mostly though I am ready to lay eyes on my son, Jack. He will be named after his father because I cannot think of anybody better for him to model his life after. Chad and I have deliberately not said anything to his brothers or sister about his challenges to come. I want them to know him first and foremost as their brother. Because at the heart of it that is the most important thing about him right now; brother, son, child of God. Even though Owen would be the only one who would probably be able to grasp the meaning, but still.



The past couple of months have marked a progression for me. Upon finding out the news that he has down syndrome, I often would think of him only in conjunction with that condition. I'm not sure if it part of the healing/grieving/acceptance process but now I can honestly say I'm just excited to meet my son. It wasn't ever that I didn't feel that for him, I guess it's just that, that was what I knew so far of him.



When I think of him now it is often a thought of, I wonder what color his eyes will be, will he have hair, will he have hair like Owen (all over his body!), how big will he be? Things like that. One thing I do know of him, is he is super active. Kicking me all day and night, my most active child. He can even sense when there is something on my/his belly. I'll gently lay my hand on my belly and he will kick it until I move it. I've even tried to outlast him, leaving my hand there for thirty minutes before he won and I moved my hand.



Owen and Luke have both been astonished to see him moving around, "whoa, that is weird mom!" "wow, look at him moving!" They both love to see him move and talk about how it's going to be so fun when he is here and running around playing with us. Lily thinks the actual belly button is the baby and that she is having one too. I put the car seat in the car today and she was perplexed, "no, mama, I'm the baby." Let the d-throwning begin.

Ready to hold him, rock him in his chair, mug on him, love him.