I gotta learn about being a mom!

This line is getting a lot of play these days. . . 

 with best friends

look at how she holds her tiny chipped polish little fingers

If Lily wants to get in on what you're doing; whatever it may be. . .yoga, cutting up lettuce, washing dishes, loading a dishwasher, sweeping, caring for Jackie, applying makeup--especially if it's lipstick, wearing high heel shoes. . .what have you. Lily wants to be doing it too and she uses her powers of 'how could I argue with that logic' to get her way. That and she's just about the most freaking adorable thing on this planet.

Lily: "mom! I gotta learn how to be a mom!"

I hear it probably ten times per day at least; it's futile to resist her impeccable logic. Yesterday she also told me that for her birthday (six months from now) that she wants some heel heel shoes. After a few back and forths I understood that she wants high heel shoes: send help!

Mountains make me feel weathly

One of my aunts (VV!) lives in Utah and her house backs up to a mountain. This made a HUGE impression on me and I always wanted a similar landscape when I grew up. Whenever we visited we would always go hike the mountain and I absolutely loved it!

Grew up I did and live on a mountain I did! Yay! I go out on these trails at least four times a week and run/walk and solve the worlds (or at least mine) problems with girlfriends. Occasionally armed with my pepper spray I go it alone and thanks to the endorphins and music I come home thinking I can just about do anything. This part of my life brings me so much joy and makes me feel richly blessed.

Bounce

I'm waxing serious today, my apologies.

We've had two hospital adventures this past month and the day after the first one I was chatting with Eda. She called to see how I was recovering from the prior two days events. I was in the car just finished with a yoga class and on my way to Trader Joes, she commented to me that I sure do bounce back from craziness quickly.

I thought about it and thought YES! --I'm sure trying. I probably didn't always used to but once you have been through ALL of the insane medical insanity we've been through (I thought about doing a funny list here but then thought---that'd take forever to write!) your perspective kinda changes. That and I've seen WAY WAY worse. I've seen babies that will never leave the hospital, babies leave their family, kids and families endure so much adversity that your heart could break.

The thing of it is, we are in for it. This life is for growth and learning--so you better believe you will be challenged to your limits, and you're never done. Death is beginning to sound not so bad, eh? I kid, I kid.

Crappy, difficult things are bound to happen to everyone. Learning to be able to pick that ball up and run with it is something I aspire to do and I love seeing it in others. People that are sucking the marrow out of this life. Why the hell not! Life's pretty awesome! Fall down; get back up and run to something better.

Leave yesterdays bad day there, don't bring it into the totally awesome day that's staring you in the face today.

This photo showcases a vintage dress given to me by the lovely Eda...plans for it...

Dear babies

A note on regrets:

Five weeks ago Jack had a little surgery to repair his herniated incision from his open heart surgery. He was having another procedure done already (circumcision--if you must know) and the doctor suggested doing it since he'd already be under anesthesia. The hernia wasn't bothering anything and would only bulged out when Jack cried or used his abdominal muscles. It was the size of maybe a large marble. But--since he was already going under we thought, "why not"

Well. . .five weeks later this decision has proven to be a giant mistake and continues to be a thorn in our sides. The incision has been infected twice already, causing a hospital stay, is now larger than a golf ball and just tonight I noticed that it appears to be getting infected AGAIN.

Sh**!

Here's the thing babies: if I could go back and not do it--I absolutely freaking would! But, I can't so what will I do with that? . . .learn from it. Be more cautious in the future? Consider the potential upside and weigh that against any possible downside? Yes; both of those things. But I won't beat myself up over it (okay--a tiny bit).

People often say that they have no regrets. This is ridiculous. I have regret. I don't let it interfere with moving forward though. Use it, learn from it but don't let it hold you hostage. Forgive yourself. You did what you thought was right at the time. Move forward--wiser for the wear. Maya Angelou famously wrote that she "wouldn't take nothing from my journey"

AMEN Maya! This is so true--looking back I can see how some of my bad choices or just the breaks of life caused me to grow substantially and that without them I wouldn't be where I currently am.

No? --even when you were doing it you knew it was stupid? Forgive yourself. AND STOP DOING STUPID CRAP. Remember, if someone ever offers you Meth; your mother painstakingly cut up your food so you wouldn't choke. Remember that.

PAUSE (!!!!!!)

Lily doing some posing during my pantry organizing binge (in a construction paper skirt that girlfriend made herself). Awe-ya.

A hilarious thing that Rubby does every.single.time she watches a movie. Here's the rundown:
1) mom puts dvd into dvd player
2) previews play and homescreen pops up
3) Lily shouts out "MOM, PAUSE please!!!!!

***even the boys won't correct her because she is too darling***

A sign.

Want some milk? Want Jack to ask for it for you? That is like, totally something he would do for you.

We've been working with Jackie on his signs since last spring and it is like seriously the freaking cutest thing on the planet (and yes, I'm taking puppies and newborn stretches into account). Jack's been signing milk for along time now; sometime around his first birthday that he started really getting it down. His other list of sign skills include the following: bye-bye, more, all done, ball, star, chicken, and eat.

Another trick that is also cuter than puppies is pointer. You know the song, 'Where is pointer where is pointer here I am here I am'

Well, Jack loves this silly song and I'm a sucker for my boy so I've been singing it to him. When I sing it to him now though, he follows along and does the actions! But he's super clever, if I ask him where is pointer in the tone of the song he brings out his pointer finger and bends it like the song but if I just nonchalantly say 'where is pointer' then he'll bring his chubby index finger forward and show you pointer!! Jack has transitioned this skill into watching the 'You've got cookie so share it maybe' song over and over again. Once the song ends he takes pointer, points it at the computer screen and gives an encouraging grunt.

Want to know where Jack's nose is? Just ask him, he'll tots show you that one too.

Dear babies, your mother is a person too.

Dear babies,

You're never going to believe this but. . .I am a person and I have feelings. When you step on my foot and walk away like it never happened--it hurts. You still don't remember to tell me you're sorry yet, so I remind you (sometimes gently, other-times--more of an irritated/pissed off/I'm super mad at you way). I hope by the time I'm done raising you that you realize and can appreciate that yes, my mother is a human being. Maybe that'll be the mark for whether I've done a decent job raising you?

I love being your mother but that isn't the sum total of who or what I am. I have interests and things that I do just for me. And that's okay!

Owie--you asked me tonight what it is I do while you're at school (partially, I'm sure because you're staying home sick from school tomorrow and want a sneak peak into what thrilling things lay ahead).  The answer. . .whatever I damn well please, thank you very much!

Well, not really. I do (do) a lot of cleaning, cooking, shopping, children pertaining phone calls, doctor and therapy visits for Jackie, etc etc etc. But, pretty much every day I do things I enjoy (remember what I said before about me being human?), things like: hot yoga, regular yoga poolside while the waterfall is going, hiking the trails behind our house, tennis, paddle boarding on the river or lake, lunch with friends, walks with friends, solo clothing shopping trips for moi, time spent reading books not about parenting or special needs, thumbing through design magazines and blogs, wasting time on the internet, listening to somewhat inappropriate music, throw in some time spent in prayer/meditation/study, oh and don't forget naps--I adore napping.

Raising the four of you children is the best thing I've ever done. I love it; you bring me joy daily. I love each of you so much that it hurts, sometimes. I love seeing you grow and change. I also love seeing the parts that haven't changed; those characteristics and personality traits that were yours from infancy. . It really is quite brilliant being your mama.

I'm trying to give you my best everyday; I reserve some of that for me too though and that's a good thing.

So, if you step on my foot or accidentally kick me while you step over my leg--a simple "oops, sorry" goes along way my babies. Always remember--mommy loves you--