What do you want to be?

A few weeks ago, Chad and I were watching a YouTube clip from rabbi Joseph Tulushkin, he noted that most parents assume that their kids know that they want them to be good, but also noted that parent's reserve most of their praise for athletics, academics or other accomplishments (things kids should be praised for). He said that this assumption can be tested by asking our kids "What do you think we (your parents) most want to you to be: (1) happy; (2) successful; (3) smart; or (4) good?" 

He went on to say that the other traits are only praiseworthy if we put goodness as our highest priority, noting that these traits are not intrinsically valuable if a person isn't good (Germany, for example, didn't start the holocaust because it lacked enough intelligent people, but because it lacked enough good people). It was a thought provoking talk and ended with the challenge to ask your children the same question. 

The rabbi guessed that the majority of our children would not get the answer correct (and he was right in our kids case (though Luke got it right)). Goodness doesn't seem like a worthy enough goal if kids aren't praised enough for it. Kids will strive to accomplish the things we praise them for. If we want our kids to be good but we don't emphasize it greatly enough with our praise, then we may not get the results we want. So, our highest praise should be reserved for  acts of kindness, generosity, charity and humanity. 

While we may want them to in fact be good; we need to do better communicating that desire.

Gilbert Temple open house February 2014

A lot of times I feel like that I'm letting great be an enemy to good. I have good kids. Often I'm so focused on what they could be doing better that I lose sight of just how good they already are. It's easy to see how anyone could be doing better, myself included. A few months ago Chad and I joined an organization called the National Association of Child Development. As part of being accepted into that organization you had to listen to six parenting CD's. The CDs advocate a 4:1 ratio of praise or positive teaching experiences for every one negative experience or criticism. In this way you can most influence your child.

Well! Occasionally, I'll fall into a rut and will be more negative with the kids. It's amazing how quickly the vicious cycle begins of criticism/acting out. I've gotten better at catching myself and saying, "wow, I'm feeling bad, let's start the day over and forget about _______." When I'm doing the 4:1 ratio it becomes easier to do it and it has a real snowball effect. When I build them up, as I see them doing good things, they want to do more good things for the positive attention. This is probably the simplest parenting thing I've done with the biggest results.

Anyway, I'm not preaching, but the rabbi's observation and the 4:1 ratio both seem self-evidently true and by implementing those things in my parenting, I'm happier, my kids are happier, and we're all becoming better people. Heck, one day we may even become great, but being good is okay too.