During the pep talk Mr. Mead didn't actually muscle flex but he did walk boldly around using his arms as punctuation marks. Chad proclaimed to me things about how we will be and who we are.; that things will be fine. Then he said those three powerful words; BUT IF NOT.
The story goes:During the dedication ceremony of the golden image, certain officials noticed Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego not bowing down to the idol. Thus, Nebuchadnezzar was immediately notified. The King was enraged and demanded that these three men come before him. Nebuchadnezzar knew of these very men, because it wasn’t too long ago when Daniel had petitioned the King to assign Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego over the affairs of the province of Babylon. Daniel was also very special to the King because he was able to interpret his dreams. So, the King offered these three men one more chance to show their patriotism to Babylon.
Their response: "O Nebuchadnezzar, we are not careful to answer thee in this matter. If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand, O king. But if not, be it known unto thee, O king, that we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou has set up."
Let me back up for a brief moment and tell you why Chad was all fired up. Chad was in the next room as I was on the laptop in the living room. I was browsing through design blogs as I often do and a story marched it's way onto my screen. Something that I have deliberately avoiding.It was a story of a woman's journey through losing her son during his open heart surgery. Upon reading of this story I frantically raced through her blog to try to see what kind of heart defect her son had. Surely something much more complicated than my dear Jacks.
Then I found it; the exact same defect.
Then it got ugly, but before it got really ugly I typed as I softly sobbed; I will share my UN-edited words I typed as I processed what I was feeling. I know one day, far from now I will look back on this time and appreciate the words and feelings I expressed.
My words:
I was reading through my design blogs this evening and read something I wish I could just take back. Never see or read it. A woman was featured on a design blog sharing her story of the death of her child. He had a similar heart condition to Jack and died. I can't believe I'm even writing right now, I feel such fear and pain. Thick physical pain.
I was reading through my design blogs this evening and read something I wish I could just take back. Never see or read it. A woman was featured on a design blog sharing her story of the death of her child. He had a similar heart condition to Jack and died. I can't believe I'm even writing right now, I feel such fear and pain. Thick physical pain.
I don't even know what to say.
I'm sitting here at 10:30 at night feeling physical pain. Sadness and fear are running so thick through my body that the pain in my chest is practically unbearable. I can't believe that the body can do this; feel physical pain not due to any sort of injury but due to emotional pain. I am sick. Part of me wants to stop writing and go weep in my bathtub. Soaking away the pain while turning my skin pink with the hottest water I can bear. But, part of me wants to remember these feelings and this journey I am on.
I want to load Jack up in my car and run away. Keep him safe, far away from any uncertainty. The surgeons and cardiologists have told us the risks of Jack's
That was all I could get out. Chad found me sitting there crying as I typed and comforted me. He listened to what I was feeling, then helped me out of that moment of fear and panic.
He encouraged me to not despair and to not fear; that fear is not of God. We talked and I went on about how I was just so frightened. That logically I know the risks are small that Jack would die but that small 5% figure was too much to bear. He went on with his pep talk, sharing the story of Shadrach, Mesahach and Abendnego and their powerful story of faith but more of acceptance to God's will.
He counseled with me and built my faith up when it was low. Said that Jack would be fine, that his surgery will be hard and scary but be okay. Then he shared his strength with me and said, "Jack will be fine, I believe that with all my heart Jamie. . . but if not. . .it will be hard but we will not lose faith."
That even when God does not heed your cries, he has not forgotten you. Gradually, I remembered my own personal faith and understanding of the will of God. I have to say this past year has been hard on me. My beliefs have been challenged; my views have been changed.
Often I have thought, what is the point of praying because God is only going to do whatever he wants anyways. Why ask for anything. What is the purpose of prayer?
Obviously, this is all deeply personal but still, I want to share and remember.
My understanding of prayer and it's purpose are still a work in progress. I firmly believe that the main purpose of prayer is not to ask for things. But, rather to express thankfulness and gratitude. Jack has affirmed to me more than anything else possibly could have these truths: God has a plan for us, he knows us individually and as such he will bless us with what we need.
At times we may feel that our wants and wishes fall on deaf ears but that is because we only know a fraction of the plan. Have faith in him; in his desire to bless you.
These photos I've shared in this post are of Chad and I fifteen years ago. When we were young our life was footloose and fancy free, as it is for most of us when we are newly married. I would never have imagined the trials that would be chosen for me, I also would not have imagined the happiness and depth of joy I feel.
This life is to be enjoyed but it also for learning and growth, and a lot of that growth comes from trials. We are in one now; we all will have them though, it is just a matter of time.
To be tried and tested, we signed up for that; all of us.
I want to go back to my nineteen year old self and give her a high-five for her taste in men. Because this I know for sure: he is my rock.
He reminds me that I am God's child, that I can do hard things, and that no matter what happens in this life we cannot and will not lose faith.
That was all I could get out. Chad found me sitting there crying as I typed and comforted me. He listened to what I was feeling, then helped me out of that moment of fear and panic.
He encouraged me to not despair and to not fear; that fear is not of God. We talked and I went on about how I was just so frightened. That logically I know the risks are small that Jack would die but that small 5% figure was too much to bear. He went on with his pep talk, sharing the story of Shadrach, Mesahach and Abendnego and their powerful story of faith but more of acceptance to God's will.
He counseled with me and built my faith up when it was low. Said that Jack would be fine, that his surgery will be hard and scary but be okay. Then he shared his strength with me and said, "Jack will be fine, I believe that with all my heart Jamie. . . but if not. . .it will be hard but we will not lose faith."
That even when God does not heed your cries, he has not forgotten you. Gradually, I remembered my own personal faith and understanding of the will of God. I have to say this past year has been hard on me. My beliefs have been challenged; my views have been changed.
Often I have thought, what is the point of praying because God is only going to do whatever he wants anyways. Why ask for anything. What is the purpose of prayer?
Obviously, this is all deeply personal but still, I want to share and remember.
My understanding of prayer and it's purpose are still a work in progress. I firmly believe that the main purpose of prayer is not to ask for things. But, rather to express thankfulness and gratitude. Jack has affirmed to me more than anything else possibly could have these truths: God has a plan for us, he knows us individually and as such he will bless us with what we need.
At times we may feel that our wants and wishes fall on deaf ears but that is because we only know a fraction of the plan. Have faith in him; in his desire to bless you.
These photos I've shared in this post are of Chad and I fifteen years ago. When we were young our life was footloose and fancy free, as it is for most of us when we are newly married. I would never have imagined the trials that would be chosen for me, I also would not have imagined the happiness and depth of joy I feel.
This life is to be enjoyed but it also for learning and growth, and a lot of that growth comes from trials. We are in one now; we all will have them though, it is just a matter of time.
To be tried and tested, we signed up for that; all of us.
I want to go back to my nineteen year old self and give her a high-five for her taste in men. Because this I know for sure: he is my rock.
He reminds me that I am God's child, that I can do hard things, and that no matter what happens in this life we cannot and will not lose faith.
you are awesome. truly grateful to call you my friend.
ReplyDeleteAwe, no you are.
ReplyDeleteAnd remember that no matter what, good or bad, you do have friends here that will stand by you too!
ReplyDeleteHi Jamie :)
ReplyDeleteIt's been a long time but I still check your blog out - you're in my google reader, so I get to see every time you have a new post. I usually skip over long posts (on anyone's blog) and just look at pictures, but I actually read this one... and was grateful. You're right, we all have trials, it's just a matter of time... you wrote my words exactly when you said your recent and current feelings about prayer. I was shocked at how it sounded like I was saying those words myself. Even though our trials are vastly different, Heavenly Father must be trying to teach us both a similar lesson. It's sometimes hard to say it, but I am truly grateful for the trials, as I know that you are. You have a beautiful family and congratulations on your sweet baby. You are one strong woman! Miss you!
Wow, I said way too much for a public comment!! Feel free to delete it (I couldn't find your email address) :)
This is powerful, beautiful, and moving. So glad to have read it.
ReplyDelete